i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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