even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
