hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
