Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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