4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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