I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My pussy is not your playground.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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