I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
our cab driver is having phone sex.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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