You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
