You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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