You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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