Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
