Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
