tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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