I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
