I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
