After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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