2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
