i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
