i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
