I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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