apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
