Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
