either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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