my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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