there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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