I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
