she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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