when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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