my sisters under your porch take her home
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
