It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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