Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
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I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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