Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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