I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
