false alarm. still invincible.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He told me they were just razor bumps!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
