the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize