i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
