I wish I could punch you in the face.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Watching her eat just hurts me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
