3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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