I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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