So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What a dumb baby whore.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
