i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
