my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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