i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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