Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
