Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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