someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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