It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
