so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
