My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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