my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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