I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
