If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
