do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
