# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
