A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
